My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
