This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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