I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My balls are so social today.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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