By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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