he puts the penis in happiness.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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