He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
