Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I can't turn off my feet"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm bleeding and have questions
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
