I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize