Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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