hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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