i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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