I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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