My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
