Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
