I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
