your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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