went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
