Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
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