i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
