I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize