my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
