So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
