then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
