Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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