And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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