You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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