I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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