I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
