even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
