??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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