Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
