Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
