I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
