i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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