Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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