so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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