How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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