last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
