I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
