I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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