So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
