The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
