cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
