I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize