went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
