he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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