he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
