It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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