eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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