I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
