do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
