"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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