i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
