Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
